♪ I'm goin' down to South Park ♪
♪ Gonna have myself a time ♪
♪ Friendly faces everywhere ♪
♪ Humble folks without temptation ♪
♪ I'm goin' down to South Park ♪
♪ Gonna leave my woes behind ♪
♪ Ample parking day or night ♪
♪ People spouting "Howdy, neighbor" ♪
♪ Headin' on up to South Park, gonna see if I can't unwind ♪
♪ Come on down to South Park and meet some friends of mine ♪
Erectile dysfunction is a fact of life.
You want to show her you love her,
but you're old, and so is she.
The next time that special moment comes,
don't let your sex drive fail you
just because your wife looks like a shriveled prune.
Fake it with Cialis.
It won't make her any hotter,
but it'll make you not care for up to three hours.
And then you can still have your own separate bathtub
from her later on.
Hey, Sheila, you feel like having some fun?
Oh, dear.
Did the Cialis commercial turn you on again?
How about I put on the uniform?
Oh! Gerald.
Huh? What do you think?
You know you like it.
Oh, hello.
UPS, ma'am.
I have a... package from Amazon for you.
Oh, dear. But I'm barely dressed.
If you'll just sign right here.
Oh, you're so rough with me, Mr. UPS man.
Yeah? You like your package, ma'am?
- Oh, yes! - Huh?
Do it harder, UPS man.
Ike, what's the matter?
Dude, you've been in here crying all morning.
What's going on?
Oh, my God. Ike, are you sure about this?
Yes! Yes!
Ike, this is a big deal. You have to be absolutely 100%.
I saw them, Kyle! I saw them!
Oh, no.
You guys can't tell anybody, all right?
Not until I figure out what to do.
- Dude, what happened? - Take a look.
What's this?
Ike found out last night.
My mom's having sex with the UPS man.
- Whoa. - Dude, no way.
Yeah, dude.
But are you sure they had sex?
Like, sex, sex? Like, they actually had sex?
Yeah, dude, like, full-on. Ike saw everything.
It totally makes sense now.
My mom's been ordering all kinds of stuff from Amazon lately.
Sometimes she doesn't even remember what she's ordered.
She's probably been having sex with the UPS man
for a long time.
Well, are you going to tell your dad?
I don't know.
I feel like I should confront my mom first,
but it's so embarrassing.
Kyle, have you stopped to think that maybe
- the sex wasn't consensual? - What?
Isn't it possible your mom was raped
by the UPS man?
We know nothing about this guy,
and he shows up to all our houses.
Think about it.
What kind of sane, normal person
would want to have sex with Kyle's mom?
- Cartman, dude, not now. - No, hear me out, you guys.
Haven't you seen those ADT commercials?
Women these days get raped
by perfectly normal-looking white guys in broad daylight.
It may be too late for Kyle's mom,
but I'm getting some goddamn security.
Look, look, the thing is, do we tell Gerald,
or do we just stay out of it?
How do you tell him? "Hey, Gerald!
Sorry, but the UPS man is banging your wife."
It's really none of our business.
If my wife was having sex with the UPS man,
I'd want you guys to tell me.
How do you know she's not? I mean, think about it.
This is a guy who visits all our houses during the day,
who clearly has a kind of insatiable lust.
I mean, somebody who would have sex with Kyle's mom
would have sex with just about anything.
Oh, come on,
he can't be trying that with all our wives.
Wouldn't be the first time.
Yeah, there's a price to be paid with having things convenient.
Used to be a man had to go to the store
to buy himself a pitcher of milk.
Yeah, but men got lazy.
They wanted that milk delivered right to the door.
Only problem was, the guy delivering that milk
ended up fucking your wife.
Sure, you had your nice, cold milk
delivered right to your doorstep,
but your wife was getting pounded out like a mallard duck.
And now you got your Amazon...
and the milkman's come back.
And none of you are safe.
And so you'd need the motion detectors
in the living room and the kitchen,
the touch pads at the front and rear doors,
and break-in monitors on all windows.
I'm afraid those are not secure at all.
Oh, no! Really?
Oh, I'm sorry,
but I really don't think I can afford this.
Mom, do you want to get raped?
Haven't you seen their commercials?
You can get raped by a white guy these days, Mom!
Oh!
Yes, unfortunately, it's not enough
to just be fearful of strangers these days.
What do you mean?
Well, many times, houses are burglarized
by someone the victim knows.
Oh, my God! I knew it!
Kyle is always taking my stuff!
Just yesterday I couldn't find my iPod headphones.
That sneaky little Jew.
We realize it's a lot of money, Mrs. Cartman,
but really, how much is feeling secure in your own home worth?
Yeah, Mom, there's dangerous people out there
trying to screw us both.
Don't you need to be getting to work, Ran?
No, I think I'll, uh, just hang out a little while longer.
I'll get it.
Hey, there.
Looks like I got a couple packages
from Amazon for you.
Oh, is that so?
If I can just get your signature right there.
Sure. Uh... Chad, is it?
Thad.
Thad. Nice.
You, uh, having a busy day?
Oh, you know, just trying to get to everyone.
Yeah, I'll bet.
Well, have a good one.
Yeah, you too, Thad.
Hey, Sharon, these came for you.
Ooh, stuff from Amazon?
Yeah. What are they?
You know, to be honest, I can't remember.
You just ordered stuff off of Amazon,
and you can't remember what?
Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah!
These are the paring knives I ordered.
Sorry, I think I was a little tipsy.
Oh, and this is the book Stan's been wanting.
Can you take it up to him?
Yeah, sure, 'cause...
people just order stuff from Amazon
and forget what they got.
Stan, you got something from Amazon.
Oh.
Aww, shit!
Ah, fuck.
Oh, God damn it.
Hello?
This is Jeff with Wolf Home Security.
Is everything all right?
Yeah, sorry. I live here.
I just... l can't remember the code to turn off the alarm.
That's okay.
Do you have your security pass phrase you can tell me?
Oh, yeah, yeah, my pass phrase is
"Kyle is a dirty, no-good Jew."
No, wait! "Kyle is a no-good, lying Jew."
Okay, I've got something a little different here.
Uh, is it "My friend Kyle is a no-good, dirty..."
Hang on, I've got it written down here somewhere.
- No problem. - Sorry about this.
It's all right. It happens all the time.
Okay, thanks, I... Wait! Hang on second.
What do you mean, "That's all right"?
What if I was somebody trying to rape my mom?
You want to rape your mom?
That's nice you're so cool about me
triggering the alarm and not knowing the password,
but how do you know I'm not making it up?
I could have raped my mom twice by now.
You said you live there.
I do, but you don't know that.
I could be Kyle trying to take more of my shit!
How did you get rid of him?
How did you get rid of the milkman?
There's no getting rid of him.
Not in any way you folks would be prepared for.
Nah, best you just let him go on fucking your wives.
Maybe he'll get tired of it.
Damn you! It's not just our wives anymore.
This morning, he came for me.
I opened the door. It was the UPS man.
He had a box from Amazon.
I looked inside and found an adapter for an iPhone,
and then I remembered... I had ordered it.
I ordered it the day before,
and I barely had any recollection.
The UPS man is using his powers
to try to have sex with me now.
You said we wouldn't be prepared to get rid of him.
How did you?
We used a pretty blonde to lure him in.
When she answered the door,
she told the milkman to follow her to the bathtub.
She took off her clothes and asked the milkman
to fill the tub with milk.
The milkman said,
"Do you want that milk pasteurized?"
And the blonde replied,
"No, just up to my boobs.
I can splash it in my eyes."
That's when we jumped him.
It was over in minutes.
Then we burned his body.
You want to get rid of the milkman,
you gotta kill him and kill him good.
And then you gotta go to the store
for your stuff from then on.
Hey, uh, you want me to do this,
then you gotta pay up front, kid.
You'll get your money when you're finished
doing what I asked you, all right?
Now, as soon as I lock the door,
just give me a few seconds to arm the system,
then you break in, and try to rape my mom.
Okay, you got it?
Hello?
This is Michael with Wolf Home Security.
Is everything all right?
No, a man just broke into our house,
and he's about to rape my mom.
Go, go. She's upstairs.
Hello? Did you hear me?
A rapist is here. He's white.
Okay, should we contact the police?
Yes, you should contact the fucking police!
My mom is about to get fucking raped!
Okay, we're contacting them now.
He's going up the stairs, dude, you better hurry.
Try and stay calm. The police are on their way.
Well, that's nice.
Maybe they can bring some cigarettes and Gatorade
'cause the guy's gonna be pretty wiped out.
The fuck?
Hey, there, Mr. Stotch.
Looks like another Amazon package.
I know that what I feel for you
is just some kind of spell.
Sorry?
Just let me sign.
All right, he's coming to you.
Well, hello, there, Mr. UPS man.
What are you...
You should have left our wives alone.
Now let's go for a drive.
Look, you can have whatever's in the back.
It's all stuff from Amazon.
Oh, yeah. Pull in here.
Just let me go, huh?
Oh, but then we'd miss out on all the fun.
Aah!
Ah, ooh!
You should have never come to our town.
A man's wife is his life, Mr. UPS man.
- Oh, my God! - Come on, honey!
Thought we wouldn't find out?
Who's there?
Ah! Please!
Ah! Ah!
Yes-yeah, hello?
Hello, this is Varashnu with Wolf Home Security.
A man just broke into my house with...
Varashnu?
I didn't sign up to have some Indian guy call me.
Are you even in the United States?
Uh, yes, I am in United States.
Oh, that is bullshit. Put your manager on.
Okay, hold on.
Hello?
This is Kevin with Wolf Home Security.
Is everything all right?
No, everything's not all right.
How come a guy from India
is calling me when my house is being broken into?
We have alarms going off across the country
14 times a minute.
That takes a lot of employees manning phones.
Yeah, well, I'm not paying all this money to have some guy
on the other side of the earth try and protect me.
Sir, it doesn't matter where we call you from.
We still contact the police in your neighborhood.
Oh, really? Oh, okay.
Gosh, I'm so relieved. Thanks.
There's still just one little problem.
How do you know I didn't break into this house,
set off the alarm, and now I'm stalling
by being upset about the Indian guy
and have actually stolen a bunch of shit, raped my mom,
and you people have done absolutely nothing about it!
I-I... Wow. That just fucked my head.
Yeah, I just fucked your head,
and the UPS guy just fucked my mom.
All right, quiet down, people.
Please! Quiet!
I know you're all worried about your family's security.
All I can tell you is that so far,
Bane has not been caught.
What are we supposed to do?
I mean, if Bane is out there on the loose,
then none of us are safe.
One Bane's bad enough,
but apparently we've got, like... like, seven Banes, mm-kay?
And what do we tell our kids?
We can't leave them in the dark.
Wouldn't be the only ones in your family
completely in the dark.
- What? - Huh? Nothing.
Now listen, there's nothing more
we can do to protect your homes.
But there's someone here who says he can.
Hello, folks.
We are more than happy to get your homes safe and secure.
Now you're gonna be wanting monitors
on all your doors and windows,
motion detectors in the living areas,
and I would also recommend
you all get our newest personal security system
to make sure your wives are safe outside the home.
Whoa, whoa. Wait, wait. What do you mean?
Protecting your home and your family is hard enough.
But sometimes alarms on your doors and windows
aren't enough.
A new security system allows
not only for your doors and windows to be monitored
but your fear levels as well.
A security system that is actually inside you.
It's called Insecurity.
We'll never forget the day
we took our twin daughters to the beach.
Hey, hey! What cute twins.
Thanks!
They're so adorable
that I'm going to bash their fucking heads in!
This is Peter with Insecurity. Is everything all right?
A white man just tried to murder our twin girls.
I have a police car on their way with blankets and cocoa.
I only hope other people have Insecurity
to protect their families.
Well, how's the shoe fit, pal?
I think it fits pretty good.
Okay, well, let's see if it fits better
than this knife through your fucking skull, bastard!
Ahh!
Hello?
This is David with Insecurity. Is everything all right?
No, a white shoe salesman just tried to murder my son.
Hold tight, police are on their way
with blankets and cocoa.
Don't let your family become another statistic.
Have peace of mind with Insecurity.
It just keeps getting worse.
I see stuff from Amazon almost every day.
My poor dad has no idea.
You're going to have to tell him, dude.
- I know. - Ha ha, Kyle!
Let's see you try and take my iPod headphones now.
What?
Just want you to know that if you want to steal
somebody's stuff, you should look elsewhere.
Nobody wants any of your stuff, you fat bitch.
Oh, fat bitch, huh?
Well, it just so happens
that this fat bitch has Insecurity now, Kyle.
And so I'm protected from all you greedy little Jews
until you and your people die out.
The Jewish population isn't dying out, fat ass.
It's growing.
What?
Hello?
This is Marcus with Insecurity.
Is everything all right?
Yeah, yeah, no, false alarm.
I just heard some troubling news,
and it set off my Insecurity.
All right, could I just get your password, please?
Yeah, it's, um... It's "uluvboobs."
I love boobs?
No, u luvboobs.
Lower case luvboobs.
How did you know that?
My password is "uluvboobs."
Oh, I get it. That's pretty funny.
Yeah, it's fuckin' hilarious.
Now can you shut off my Insecurity, please?
Sure. Here you go.
Okay.
Anyway, Kyle, you better watch...
Kyle? God damn it.
And then, I had to drive to Walgreens,
Barnes & Noble, and Ace Hardware.
I tell you, going around having to buy stuff again sucks.
Yeah, but at least we never have to deal
with that UPS driver again.
- He's back! - What?
I just came from Will Paterson's house.
His mother got three packages from Amazon,
and the UPS guy told her what he'd like to do to her.
How?
He casually dropped this on his way out.
Oh, my God.
Didn't kill him, did you?
Yeah, I didn't think you had it in you.
We scared him. We thought it'd be enough.
Milkman don't get scared,
not with free pussy at every doorstep.
Son of a bitch. It's him, all right.
This guy doesn't know when to quit.
He's stopping at another house.
Guess this guy's a lot tougher than we thought.
Must be why our wives want him so bad.
Sorry, sorry. That's me.
Hello?
This is Alan with Insecurity. Is everything all right?
Yeah, sorry, false alarm.
Pass phrase is "Tickle me homo."
It's a joke.
Mom, Dad, you've always taught me
that being direct and honest is a basic Jewish tenet.
That's right, Kyle.
And that applies to all of us, doesn't it?
Even though it's convenient to have things done for you,
sometimes it's best to deal with it yourself.
Uh, hi, I got a delivery for you.
Yeah. Come in for a minute, would you?
What?
Please, I need you to come sit down for a second.
So here we all are.
Mom, do you want to tell Dad something?
Mom?
What's going on?
You know goddamn well what's going on.
This ends right now.
We are a family, and you need to go somewhere else.
Don't you think I want to?
I hate this damn town.
Every day things just keep getting weirder around here,
and I'm just about sick of it.
Ahh!
Oh, my God!
Hello?
This is Brian with Insecurity. Is everything all right?
No! They blew up my car! They blew up my car!
I'm sending help.
Police are on their way with blankets and cocoa.
They're after me again! Do something!
Hold on one second, sir.
I have another emergency coming in.
This is Brian with Insecurity. Is everything all right?
Yeah, no, false alarm again.
I'm in the store, and some fat bitch asked me
if my dad likes cologne.
What the hell's going on out here?
Stay out of this, Gerald.
Some men care about what their wives are doing.
What?
You don't even have a wife, Jimbo.
Somebody answer me. You have to send help now.
Sir, we are sending help.
Just stay calm...
Hang on, sir. This is Martin with Insecurity.
Yeah, I'm thinking maybe Gerald's house
is nicer than mine is.
Hello, this is Martin with Insec-
God damn it, I've had it with you people!
When I signed up, I thought I was getting CSI guys
protecting my ass, but all you answering the phones
are complete retards.
Hello?
This is Mike with Insecurity. Is everything all right?
- Hello! - You come down here.
So you say this man killed himself
because he was a psychopath
who was forced to have sex with his mother?
Yes. We found that in his pocket.
Sir, we found this in the closet upstairs.
Yes, that's mine.
Yours? What?
Give me that!
What we do in our bedroom is our business.
Wait a minute. Dad was the UPS man?
Uh, Kyle, sometimes when people get older,
they need to play and pretend to keep things interesting.
It's just a way I can still be intimate with your mother
without relying on silly sexual enhancement drugs.
Hello?
It's over. But you were wrong.
We don't have to be afraid of Amazon.
The only price to be paid for convenience
is that we must be secure with ourselves.
Yeah, got yourselves some nice home security systems,
don't you?
Paying a man to do your job of protecting your house.
Only problem is, while you're out
feeling like your things are safe,
that security man is fucking your wife.
Doors and windows should be armed,
and your motion detectors are up and running.
Just call me whenever you need me back.
Ah! Who are you?
It doesn't matter who we are.
What matters is our plan.
You should have respected my authority.